My Easy Fix, Binge eating and then throwing up

My "Easy Fix"

I don't know where I ever got the idea to even start throwing up, but I know things for me have never been great. I remember coming into my High School days and seeing all the pretty girls, and how thin they were, and it just looked like everything was prefect for them.

I started to make myself throw up my junior year of High School. I wanted to lose weight by any means. I use to work out like crazy, but I would also throw up 6-10 times a day. I always told myself that I could stop and that I was only doing this until I lost enough weight for my standards.

I use to eat everything I could find, and then I would go the restroom, I would tell myself that I would only throw up half of what I ate, that way, I would still have food in my system. That never worked. As soon as I got out of the restroom, I was back in the kitchen. I was just that hungry, or so I thought.

Well, a year later which was my senior year, I thought I had it all. Starting with the fact that I had lost so much weight over the summer. I couldn't stop. By the time I started college, I told myself I could stop, and I did for awhile. Then I started the partying, and the Late night eating, and the weight poured back on. So, I went back to my "easy fix."

In college, it got so bad that I wasn't eating anything, but I was still throwing up. I would throw up my body fluids. It was pretty gross. I learned the trick of what to eat. What to eat that would come out really easy. Like drinking water with your meal made to much noise verse soda which came out nice and easy. Anything with eggs of mayonnaise was something that you don't want to taste again in your mouth. Cold foods still come out cold and hot foods come back out hot.

I laugh now, but things are not that funny. I have been throwing up since 2001, we are in 2009, and I still do it. People can't see the change in me, because I throw up but I don't exercise.

I have a fear of gaining weight but a bigger fear of people knowing what I do. I tell everyone that I don't do it anymore which is a lie. The more I try, the more I can't stop. There are day's when I can't stop eating and then I throw up 6-10 times. Then, there are days where I don't do it at all. I ask myself, why do I still do it? But, I guess, I know in my heart it's far past me wanting to stop, verses, I don't know how to!

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