I Hate What I've Become, vomiting while I'm upset

I Hate What I've Become

I'd hate to think that this defines me as a person. I don't want to be known as that bulimic girl. That's why it's my only secret. It was never about being skinny. But now as I look at myself more and more and eat less and less, that's what it's turned into.

It started when I was upset one night. I was in the shower and I was crying so hard that I vomited. I always did it in the shower, because when my body was cold I would turn up the temperature and it covered the noise. I realized how much better this made me feel.

Every time I felt upset, after that, I would just go and vomit it all up. The next day after spewing, my throat would absolutely kill me and I couldn't talk. I didn't want it to look suspicious, so I couldn't do it everyday like I would have rather.

I would eat a little bit too much, it would all come back up. At the time, I thought it was all alright. I had no idea the effect that it was actually having on the rest of my body. I didn't want gross teeth and the other side effects so I stop the spewing. And I also stopped eating.

I get exceptionally bad headaches sometimes, I know that means I should eat, the headaches always go away if I eat, but I just can't. Every time I feel hungry I grab my stomach fat as a reminder of what I was doing it for.

I drink a lot of water to subside my hunger. I always eat one meal a day (dinner, so then my parents aren't suspicious).

I have a measurement book, where I write down the measurements of my upper arms, thighs, and stomach. I keep a record of how they've gone up and down. I worked out how much I had eaten on each of those days, and soon enough I found myself eating less and less.

I fear that I will lose the control I have over this disorder. I fear that it will get out of hand and I will wind up in a hospital fighting for my life. Or worse, just straight out dead.

I'm only 15. I fear that this will be with me until I'm an adult. But I can't get help. I can't trust anyone with this... And as I'm writing this, I'm noticing how I've put on weight, I'm noticing how my arms jiggle a little every time they move.

I hate what I've become.

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