I'm Hoping For...My personal struggle with an eating disorder

I'm Hoping For...

I've never actually thrown up, even though I've tried. I have been so hungry but I've gone day's without eating.

I am 16 years old, and I've hated my weight since I was in first grade. (at least, that's as far as I can remember) I can remember walking down the hallways and thinking, "she's staring at my huge legs." or "God, why does she have to look so much better in that than I do?"

I weighed over 100 lbs in second grade. Granted, I have always been tall for my age, but everytime someone gave me that as an excuse, it made me sick to my stomach. I didn't buy it.

In 7th grade, I decided I wouldn't take it anymore. I went on a "crash diet" and ate as little as I could, to get me through the day. I ended up weighing as much as I did in 4th grade, and I was still getting taller. I thought I looked amazing, but by freshmen year of high school, I decided it wasn't worth it, and that I should just eat whatever I wanted.

Everytime I saw myself in a picture, I would get disgusted and depressed. I vowed to be thin again, but I just couldn't stop eating! I saw that as a HUGE problem. So the summer before my sophomore year, I tried to throw up after I ate. It never worked, and that depressed me. Why couldn't it come up?

I felt sick to my stomach when I though about food. I even tried to drink things I hated (like carbonated water) to induce vomiting, but it still didn't work.

I'm not bulimic, because I could never actually throw up, and I'm not anorexic, because I can't stop eating, but I do think I have an eating disorder. Everytime I get done eating, I'm thinking about how much I've consumed, and how many calories I need to work off at the gym to make them all disappear. Exercising is what I turned to since I couldn't throw up.

I've gotten down to 1,000 calories, but I always leave thinking I should do more, so I don't eat much dinner. I don't know what to do and I'm not even sure if this is categorized at an E. D.

I never see myself as good enough at anything. It doesn't matter what it is, I don't do it good enough. if anyone has this problem too, know that you are not alone and that others are struggling with you, and that hopefully it will get better with time. That's what I'm hoping for.

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