My Mom Told Me, Always Listening To My Mom

My Mom Told Me

I'm not sure when exactly I developed bulimia. I just remember being about 10 years old when my mom told me that "I was starting to get fat." My sister just stood there, completely silent. We were at the mall trying on jeans. I'm not sure why I let her get to me. I hadn't even gone up a size.

Since the age of three, every single adult I met would comment me on my weight. They would tell my mom I looked like a twig. Just skin and bones they said. I felt a strange pleasure hearing that, even then. It didn't worry anyone though, I was a young kid who spent all her time outdoors. I was perfectly fine.

My mom had become a bulimic in her late teens. Because of her previous condition, you would think she would be more sensitive to her daughters. Especially, since my oldest sister is anorexic. Still, that year she did tell me I was gaining weight. She told me so often I started to believe I was fat. I would look in the mirror and see huge thighs, arms, and an enormous belly.

My body image became completely distorted, and still is. Whenever I look back at pictures from previous years, I think to myself, "Hell, I was really skinny back then, there's no fat on me." But, even though I always felt like I was skinny in the past, I always feel fat in the present.

Everything and everyone tells me I'm skinny, at a healthy weight. (Except my mom of course) I didn't believe anyone BUT my mom.

I'm 14 now and I purge about once every two weeks. (Sticking my finger down my throat still scares me) Mostly, I stick to exercising. I HAVE to exercise every day. It's a disease that I know about and know is bad for me but it's also an addiction. I feel like I can't quit.

Because of my sisters battle against anorexia nervosa, I don't want to go to a rehab center like she did. I feel like I would be letting my family down. I can't imagine how my mother would react if she were to find out. And I could absolutely never tell her that she had a major influence in what I became.

Right now, I am trying to help myself. I'm trying to stay away from purging, but I don't think I will ever stop over exercising. Not until I can actually look in a mirror without hating the way my body looks.