Obsessed with my looks and weight, Binging and purging

I'll Never Be The Same

Well, I suppose this is how my story goes, so far.
I've always been obsessed with my looks and weight. For a long time, I've felt very self conscious and have been bullied in the past. Although I don't get it as much now, it still remains in my mind.

I began to pile on the weight from my 8th year. I gradually would go up on the scales, but generally I didn't care about it.

My mother was a dieter, and one day I looked at myself and realized that I was overweight. I decided to go on a diet. I did great. I lost weight, but then I went back to my old eating habits. And boom! All my weight came back!

I tried and tried again, with useless diets that amounted to days of eating healthy, followed by outbursts of binging. So I suppose I was kinda borderline eating disorder, but nothing too serious.

It was when I was 14 that I became depressed about my weight. I stopped going out as much and became very withdrawn, just sitting at home all day and stuffing my face.

I am now 16. About a month ago I started a new diet. It went great! I lost 3 stones in 2 month! Yep, that much! I noticed the connection between severe restriction and loosing weight. I had been eating only 2 meals a day. But I found this hard to keep up once I lost the weight.

I started reading about diets and became obsessed with food. I went on anorexia chat websites, and I have tried everything. Lately, I've even tried purging and while I haven't done it yet, I know I will do it if I binge, which luckily I haven't. But as soon as I do, I'm going to stay there until I puke. I feel it is the only way to control myself.

I'm bulimic because I severely strict for days after a binge, but recently I've turned to the purging side of things. It's only developing, but I am scared, yet I feel like I have some control. I don't know what the future holds for me, but whatever happens i'll never be the same with food again. That I know for sure.

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