My Reflection I am 15 years old. I hate myself. My reflection makes me sick. I am not some stick skinny anorexic or some binging bulimic. I have, however, experimented with both diseases. I want to have the self control to starve myself, or puke after every meal. I want to feel beautiful. I weigh 145 pounds. My boyfriend is pretty close to my weight and all my girlfriends weigh at least 10 pounds less than me. Try as I might to develop some anorexia that I cannot control, my parents pay too much attention and discover me every time. I have been in therapy for a year. My therapist has come to the brilliant conclusion that I have control issues. You see, in 7th grade, I arrived at a new school. I felt ugly and fat. Suddenly, I started receiving aim messages from a junior at my school. He told me how hot I was, and over the next two years I fell in love with him. We met in secret and kissed all the time. The problem was, he had a girlfriend. He pressured me to have sex with him. By eighth grade, I agreed. Before we got the chance, my parents found our aim messages and saw how often I texted him. They went to my school and complained to the headmaster against the boy I loved. Despite several attempts by my parents, his parents, and the school, we continued to have a secret relationship. I was in way over my head and madly in love with the man that I knew would one day prove my parents wrong. I dreamed that we would get married and he convinced me he loved me. Too bad he still had that girlfriend. She discovered what was going on and made him break it off with me. I was beyond devastated. Words cannot possibly get close to describing the immense hurt, pain, and deceit I felt. I tried to get up the courage to commit suicide, but knew I could not do that to my little sister. So I began cutting. As usual my mom immediately noticed. I hated myself more than ever. On top of feeling fat and ugly, I now felt stupid and useless. I have realized that I am a bit of an emotional eater. I eat and then promise myself that "tomorrow I will start regular workouts". Well, tomorrow never comes and I have only continued to gain cellulite on my legs and stretch marks on my inner thighs. I close my eyes in the shower and feel nauseated when I catch a glimpse of my huge thighs. I am one of the few girls on this planet that hates to shop. I tried to diagnose myself with some eating disorder to give myself that satisfaction, at least. But I do not have enough self control to starve or puke. I consider myself to have the mind and ways of thinking of an anorexic, however, I continue to have the body that often makes me want to take a knife and remove the fat from it myself. I wish I could, so that one day, I would feel beautiful. I hate who I am. I hate my body.
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