What is the end for the caterpillar, is a new beginning for the butterfly
I thought recovery was about gaining weight. I feared it like it was my worst enemy.
I now know that I was wrong. Recovery can on a physical level be about gaining the weight the body needs to do it's job. It can be about learning to eat more and eat more often.
But I found out that recovery is about learning to live, instead of just existing as a body. I learned that recovery is about finding a life that works for me, a life based on my talents, my dreams and my limits. It's about learning to live my life, not the life others have prepared for me. It's about accepting that I am not perfect and I will never be perfect. I have my limits, I have areas in life that I am not good at. But I also learned that I don't have to be perfect. I am okay the way I am right here, right now. I don't have to change. I don't have to do something to be worthy life. I don't have to do anything to deserve the love from others. I am okay they way I am... If others don't like me the way I am, then it's their problems, not mine. I can accept myself and choose to be with people that accepts me for who I am.
I don't have to be a good girl all the time. I have the same rights as everybody on earth. I have the right to take up the space my body takes. I don't have make excuses for being alive and for breathing. I don't have apologize for my thoughts and my feelings. I have the right to be me... I have the right to cry, scream, need things, being loved, love, be happy and be sad.
For me recovery was much about learning to accept me for who I am. Accept the body I have. Accept that I don't have the family I dreamed of. I can't make my family the perfect family, by starving myself to something I thought was a perfect body... It started with a little act of kindness to myself. I started to say "I love you" to the reflection in the mirror, even though I didn't believe my own words. But nice words do something with you, and little by little I learned to love myself. I learned to take care of myself. I learned to like me and be good to me. It was not something that happened over one night. And it was not easy. It cost me a lot of tears, courage, strength and faith... There were times when I wanted to give up, but I learned that it was those times it was most important for me to keep walking and also reach out to others for help.
The ed has cost me a lot... But I had to spend six awful years living with the ed, have a serious seizure that could have cost me my life, lose so of my friends, before I realized that I was playing with death and I had to choose what way I really wanted to walk... One day I just realized that I had to choose life or death.
I chose life... And I am now almost considering myself for recovered... Recovery is not only having good days, but it is handling those bad days in a healthy way. It's knowing that the sun will come up again.
Even though it has cost me a lot of hard work. Even though I gained some weight and have had to throw away some of my trousers. I believe recovery is worth all it costs.
I am finally seeing the sunshine again. I live in colors. I have learned to feel again. For years I was numb. And if I felt anything it was pain. I am little by little learning to dance in the sunshine and smell the flowers along the road. And I have opened up my eyes to see the love that's in my life and always have been there, but I was too blinded by the ed to see it... And I am starting to love again myself... I havn't had interest and time for boys in years, but finally I am starting to enjoy that we were created man and female.
I have found a life that works for me. I have learned to speak with my body instead of with my weight. I have learned to talk about my needs instead of screaming my needs out with my starvation.. I have learned to take time to rest and to take care of me. I have learned to listen to my body.
It feels like I have really moved into my body and made home out of it.. The light are finally burning in my eyes again and my smile is back on my face.
I have energy enough for living.
Many people feel sorry for me, for wasting away six years of my youth on the ed, but I feel that I have been more lucky than many people... At the age of 19, I have learned to know myself. I know my limits and I know what I am made of. I have fought a very hard battle, but I have also seen what strength I have inside of me. I have learned to appreciate all the things my body do for me, and I want to treat it nice... I am only 19 but I think I have learned many lessons other people never learn during their whole life, and most importantly I have learned to live in the present. I have learned to cherish each ray of sunshine that comes my way... I have learned that life is not so serious anyone. That there should be room for playing in it. For laughter and for fun.
But I won't go back there... Never ever. I have seen how it's like on the other side. And I am not willing to give up the colors in life, just to so my scale can show me a low number. That's too high a price for too low living. I am not willing to pay that price.. Not anymore. Life is so much more than the numbers on the scale.
Life can be fun!