7 Things No One Tells You About Marriage
- Space. For the recent past you two have been inseparable. You did everything together. What they don't tell you, is that all that togetherness is about to get pretty old. You may be married, but you still need space. Who wants to be the first to admit that they need some time alone or with friends? Newlywed bliss can get cloying without a break. Sometimes you just want to go for a walk all by yourself to think your own thoughts and focus on your own perceptions. It's okay to want space, and its important to be honest enough to tell your spouse that you need some. Be honest and speak up.
- Bliss. They don't tell you that when all the newlywed honeymoon bliss wears off, that person you just promised to love and to cherish in sickness and in health is going to get on your nerves big time. You might at an unguarded moment be found mumbling under your breath, "Soul mate, schmol mate." There may even be times when you believe you have just about had it with the way your spouse breathes. The sound of their voice in the morning before you've had your coffee may put you in mind of fingernails going across a chalk blackboard. Not to worry. These are common facets of intimate living in less loving moments. We are not saints, and we are not the soul of love and companionship 100 percent of the day everyday. Forgive yourself and kiss them twice when the bad feelings pass, as they will.
- Fights. They don't tell you at the bridal shower or anywhere else that you will spend an inordinate amount of your married life having the same rerun fights over the same three subjects: family, money, and household chores. Three things you probably never had to fight over before you were married. Now his family seems demanding. Her family doesn't understand you need couple time once in a while. And "our" money can't be spent on large expense items that only one of you wants. Who always washes the dishes? It can become a push-button topic in your house guaranteed to cause a screaming fight well into the night.
- Time. They don't tell you that it's important to be on the same time of day. People always laughed and thought it was so cute that you are strictly a night person while he is absolutely a morning person. After living together for a few months it becomes a lot less cute and a big hurdle in your relationship. Your sex life can even suffer since you two can't agree on a mutual time to go to bed. Sex in the morning is his favorite and something you'd just as soon sleep through. When you are all fired up at night and ready for some passion, he can't keep his eyes open. You want to go out on the town on weekend nights. He wants to turn in early so he can get up early and go for a run. It takes time for morning and night people to learn the art of compromise so that they can live in harmony together.
- Friends. They don't tell you that if you don't make an effort to keep all your friends--even your single friends--in your life, you will get lonely. Marriage is not the ultimate answer to loneliness. You can be with someone, someone you love, but still be lonely. You've heard of "lonely in a crowd." Plenty of married people get lonely. Your spouse is not your male or female friend and you don't talk to each other about the things you used to enjoy talking to your same sex friends about. Don't make the mistake of excluding your single friends from your circle after you marry. You're going to want to keep every friend you have. Continue to go out to lunch, or even dinner, with your friends. Go to the movies and concerts with them. The time you spend away from your spouse and out with your friends will help you be a better, more refreshed partner.
- Children. They don't tell you how important it is that you both are on the same page about having children. If having children is something you never really talked seriously about, you may be in line for a disappointing surprise. You may have assumed that your mate wants or doesn't want children when the opposite is true. It is crucial that you get to know where your future spouse stands on the issue of having kids before you are tied in matrimony. What if you've always wanted to be a mother and you discover you are married to someone who can't stand kids and doesn't want them ever? It could be heartbreaking. You can't assume your spouse will change over time. Chances are they are old enough and they know their self enough to know by now where they stand on this. Don't set yourself up for a big disappointment and possibly a divorce.
- Parties. They don't tell you that all that partying the two of you did while single may not stop for one of you, and then you have a big problem. It's hard to tell if someone is an alcoholic or a drug addict when your young, having fun and partying every night along with them. But after you're married and you have to get to work in the morning and the nightly parties continue for the person you married, who seems less and less responsible to you, it may be time to start worrying. No one starts out thinking their spouse is an alcoholic or a drug addict. It just sort of develops over time. But when he/she starts losing job(s) because of it, recklessly spends money because of it, develops serious medical problems as a result, and stays away from home a lot you've got an elephant in the living room and you better start addressing it.
There are plenty of things they don't tell you about marriage before you marry, and it's a good thing. Enough people get cold feet as it is. The truth is that if you have enough love, you can overcome most any obstacle.